Being Stephan's mom has been an absolute blessing and I feel incredibly lucky to have him. But it often comes with challenges that no other friend or family member of mine has had to endure, making it really hard to find someone that knows what I'm going through.
Today was tough.
When we finally fell pregnant after years of praying, I never imagined that one day I would need to hold my son down while nurses attempt to draw blood from his tiny veins.
I never imagined breaking down while cleaning spilled blood from his hands and under his tiny finger nails.
I never imagined that I would need to be the strong one in the room while he screams his tiny heart out.
It is emotionally exhausting wondering if he knows that it’s not mommy that is hurting him. Even though she is the one holding him down. Wondering if he knows how incredibly hard it is repeating over and over “mommy’s here” even though mommy wants her own mommy to be here right now. Wondering if he knows how incredibly hard it will be for me to let go of this tiny hand that is grasping so tightly onto my finger, because they need to find another vein.
Stephan has endured much worse than this, and even though it’s hard on me, I hope having me next to him when he is in pain makes it easier for him.
I have not managed to put him down since we arrived home, and I don’t think my heart will be able to for the rest of the day. For now, our little miracle is strapped to mom’s chest, because I need him now just as much as he needed me today.
Today was tough. But tomorrow will be better.